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I'll give you loads of tips, then you'll be professionally recorded and filmed, with playback and constructive feedback. Now, when anything goes wrong in the house, we've taken to saying, 'It must be the moth.' Its so far been blamed for a marmalade stain and a power cut. You'll be pleased to know, especially if you're a wren, that they just use effigies nowadays. 'Oh my Cod, it can't be true,' I thought to myself.

It's in central London, near the BBC, at 76 Portland Place. 'If I find it, I'll clip it round its ear,' said Mum, who isn't normally prone to violent outbursts. Just 100 Cod Left in North Sea declared the Telegraph the other day. But then the BBC came to the rescue with North Sea cod: Is it true there are only 100 left?

Ralph Waldo Emerson Who gives a f**k about an Oxford comma? Moths can hear the tiniest of high-pitched noises, detecting displacements the size of an atom. In these wild and woolly northern parts, New Year's Eve itself is still pretty eccentric and some families still insist on the ritual of 'first-footing'. So you'll be relieved to know that there are a lot more than 100 adult cod in the North Sea. When I was little, in the 18th century, A was for Apple (as in Coxs Orange Pippin rather than i Phone). Theyre probably too busy on their Mothercare laptops, googling teddy bears or sonic hedgehogs or whatever those things are called. So I deliberately typed the whole alphabet, letter by letter, and this is the alarmingly corporate result Google gave me - A is for Amazon (company, as opposed to legendary Scythian giantess) B is for BBC (good - at least its not commercial) C is for Comet (shop, as opposed to luminous celestial object comprising ice and dust) D is for Debenhams E is for e Bay F is for Facebook G is for Google H is for Hotmail I is for Ikea J is for John Lewis K is for KFC L is for Lottery M is for Matalan N is for Next (retailer, as opposed to 'immediately afterwards') O is for O2 P is for Paypal Q is for QVC R is for Rightmove S is for Sky (media company, as opposed to blue thing consisting of exosphere, thermosphere, mesosphere, stratosphere and troposphere) T is for Tesco U is for UCAS (finally an academic one) V is for Virgin W is for Weather (the actual weather - a non-corporate entity at last) X is for XBox Y is for You Tube and Z is for Zoopla Now hold hands, walk in twos and say after me Humpty Dumpty (Hamleys 17.99) sat on a wall (Wickes - it's got our name on it), Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (should have gone to Specsavers). Taken by Daguerre in Paris in 1838, the exposure time was around 15 minutes, so all movement disappeared into an invisible blur.

And if it's over decade, it's often 'way back' - 'way back' in 2000. could it be that a wood pigeon once heard it, impersonated it and passed it on?

Or could it be that the composer Joseph Meyer heard a wood pigeon and imitated it in his ditty?

The Facebook Oxford Comma page has 30,900 likes as I write, by the way. And the former has a lovely pause before the 'and', dont you think? Shortly before midnight, 45 'guisers' process through the village with blazing barrels of tar on their heads, then fling them on a huge bonfire on the green, accompanied by a brass band and church bells. The bureaucrats will have to pay much more at the other end. I wonder who they were, what they talked about, and what became of them ...

Just to refresh your memory - an Oxford, Harvard, or serial comma is a comma placed before a coordinating conjunction (such as 'and', 'or', or 'nor'). Oxford commas, so-called because theyre traditionally used by the Oxford University Press, also prevent preposterous ambiguity. Needless to say, it goes back to pagan (possibly Viking) times. By way of a variation on point 10, you could put the wrong postage on, in the wrong place. 1838 was the year of Queen Victoria's coronation (she was still a teenager), the serialisation of a new novel called Oliver Twist, the publication of Casanova's memoirs and the premiere of an opera about fairies - the debut of a young composer called Richard Wagner.

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I was amused to read in the Boston Globe that there was once a ridiculous copyright dispute over the word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. The Sherman brothers, who wrote the Mary Poppins version in the 1960s, swore they first heard the word as children, at Camp Equinunk in Pennsylvania in 1937. Ive done it myself had an 'original' idea, then realised I had it (or wrote or broadcast about it) years ago, or someone else did.

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